Adia
by Vitreus Rose
Summary: A songfic, set in the climax of the Kyoto arc, an introspective of Hisoka's with the lyrics to "Adia" by Sarah McLaughlin. It's unrepentedly angsty.


The following is cut directly from the LJ post I had it in. I know it's rude not to format it, and to go back and fix mistakes, but this is how the fic was originally, and this is how I'm leaving it, sans beta-reading, sans more than a minimal proof-reading, but hey, that's fine with me. xD The formatting might be odd, my spellchecker didn't leave the html coding intact, so I had to redo it.  
  
This is to the song "Adia" by Sarah McLaughlin. My Hisoka-muse grabbed me by the ear and yanked, demanding that I write something with him and Tsuzuki. We debated for a while, and I got that it'd be a depressing, angst, Kyoto-arc fic. He got that it'd be canon, and Tsu x Hi. And cute. Did I mention cute? Cuter than that last one was, for sure, since I kept getting told that one was too sad. But this one's sad too... ;; Songfics aren't my thing, but they are great for last-minute-surprise-inspiration things. And they keep the muses off one's back occasionally. It's angsty. It's disturbingly, disgustingly angsty. It's overly angsty, to be frank. So if you've read more than enough angst-fics, then skip this one out, and save yourself some time. Visit maybe, or something, in that time you've saved. ^^;;  
The quotes I stole from Theria's translations. If you don't know her site, well, this thing is messing up too much for me to link, and I'm feeling lazy. ^^;; ; . Fantastic YnM translations.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_Adia I do believe I failed you_  
  
Tsuzuki sat somewhere within those flames, the black fires called up by the fearsome summon Tohda, Hisoka knew his partner was somewhere inside the ardent building, pieces of the lab already being consumed by the fearsome flames the dragon had lent his power to.  
  
_Adia I know I've let you down_  
  
"Even a Shinigami, if receiving cellular damage even greater than what it can recover from,   
is no different from an ordinary human's flesh. In other words, if you continue to be burned by super high temperature...we will surely also "die"!!!" Hisoka had heard the older Shinigami's words, though some part of his mind continued to run on a course totally apart from that logical statement. That was Tsuzuki in there, he couldn't just...  
  
  
_Don't you know I tried so hard_  
  
Maybe he could have done more... more to convince Tsuzuki.  
"You've always been human."   
"So, don't cry."   
The words had seemed less hollow, less fake before now, faced with the hard truth of the flames that licked at the three Shinigami who stood outside the burning husk of Muraki's lab. Those words Hisoka had told Tsuzuki ... they hadn't been real enough, though, had they?  
  
_To love you in my way_  
  
Hisoka had always before been the one who needed the hug and the soft, whispered words that it'd all be all right. After Muraki kidnapped him, after Tsubaki-hime's death ... he had always been envious of that inner strength his partner seemed to have, upset that it had been himself that had always been the one to need consoling. But when it came to Tsuzuki needing it...  
  
_It's easy let it go..._  
  
Not enough, just not enough...  
  
_Adia I'm empty since you left me_  
  
Hisoka had just sat there, somewhere in between asleep and awake, his mind caught in the memories and emotions of Tsuzuki's shattered psyche, lost between himself and his partner.  
"I needed three days of long 'sleep'-----------------  
The pain,   
the hardship,   
but more than anything else the sorrow... "  
  
_trying to find a way to carry on_  
  
Filled with guilt, that he hadn't been strong enough, fast enough, powerful enough to stop Muraki from taking Tsuzuki back with him ... and with guilt that he had left Tsuzuki alone, that this had all occurred in the first place.  
  
_I search myself and everyone_  
  
It was haunting to think about it, something pulling deep within him, that made a spot in his chest feel tight and his eyes get warm, tears bunching up around the edges before he blinked them back. If he had just said something more, told Tsuzuki one more time -- and really /meant/ it -- that he was human...  
  
_to see where we went wrong_  
  
Hisoka could see the same look on the other's faces, Tatsumi's particularly, it was trapped in a sort of pale limbo between the deep sorrow of the loss of Tsuzuki, and the idea that Asato-kun might just, somehow, be happier if he let him be at this point.  
  
  
  
_There's no one left to finger_  
  
His parents had called him a monster, as well, a frightful child with a demonic power. Tsuzuki's was just the same ... to some extent. What Muraki had called up within the Shinigami, Hisoka had thought were just the same thing he had felt throughout his childhood.  
  
_There's no one here to blame_  
  
But inside his partner's mind ... the shattered fragments of it, that cut Hisoka as he reached into the thoughts while the other man went mad, like touching scattered pieces of glass lying around on the ground.  
_  
There's no one left to talk to, honey_  
  
But there was something else to it as well, tinged with that same feeling Hisoka had when he killed Tsubaki-hime, but multiplied so many times that it was impossible to fathom the depth of the agony. A century's worth of Enma's dirty work, because someone had to do it, and Tsuzuki was 'atoning for the crimes of his past' or something of that sort.  
  
_And there ain't no one to bar our innocence_  
  
But what barely touched Hisoka, the day-in and day-out extermination of human life had slowly picked away at the threads of the weaving of Tsuzuki's sanity, and leaving something that seemed almost a hollow shuck of pain in place of a soul. Hisoka had long ago forgotten the petty cases where something had happened, be it accident, like that little girl, or necessary, like that singer, but the memories that Hisoka had brushed up against had made it painfully clear that Tsuzuki remembered every, single, one.  
  
  
_'Cause we are born innocent_  
  
Tsubaki-hime's was the only one that stood out in particular of Hisoka's mind, killed not with his powers or some derivative of them, but with Muraki's gun, in the method that had caused the pain he had stopped.  
  
_Believe me Adia, we are still innocent_  
  
Tsuzuki still blamed himself for that incident as well. So when Hisoka had gone, crying, into his partner's arms, Tsuzuki had been berating himself with the same emotions he was soothing away in his partner.  
  
_It's easy, we all falter_  
  
But it was human to die (/Then what am I?/), and it had to be done, whether by Wakaba, or Saya, or Hisoka - that was how the blonde had always taken the duty.  
  
_Does it matter?_  
  
Tsuzuki had been the only one to take the names of all those he had killed, inscribing them so deeply into the surface of his soul that he could never, ever forget them. Carving them slowly into his memory, their names, their faces, their deaths.   
  
  
_Adia I thought that we could make it_  
  
How foolish of him, to have thought that either of them deserved to live, even with what little life they were given with their cursed lives.  
  
_I know I can't change the way you feel_  
  
But Tsuzuki took his powers to be a sign that he wasn't human -- a demon, and thus had no right to live.  
  
_I leave you with your misery_  
  
At first he had been willing, like Tatsumi was now, to let Tsuzuki just destroy himself -- perhaps that was what he most wanted, but now...  
  
_Your friend who won't betray_  
  
"Baka."   
  
_I pull you from your tower_  
  
Searching through the searing flames, Hisoka's gaze lit upon the figure slumped down against one of the machines, wearing a loosely tied yutaka.  
  
_I take away your pain_  
  
Thin, fragile arms fell around his partner; not the same, strong, seemingly unbreakable arms that had always held Hisoka when he cried, only the mere imitation that the blonde could himself produce to try to still Tsuzuki's fears. Hisoka hoped it could be enough, though it hardly seemed fair for Tsuzuki, that he could give so much to his partner, and yet not be able to accept it himself.  
  
_I show you all the beauty you possess_  
  
Hisoka had always thought himself good with words, at least enough so, but the things that spilled from his lips were not what he had intended to say -- to him they didn't seem enough, fragile as fireflies upon a breeze.  
  
"NUMBSKULL. Are you saying that I came all this way to watch you die!!"   
  
_If you'd only let yourself believe_  
  
"I'm not going back...!! I...don't want to be....alone..."   
  
_That we are born innocent_  
  
Tsuzuki was infinitely stronger and more capable a Shinigami, and, Hisoka thought now, a /person/, than himself. If he was a demon ... then whatever that made Hisoka, the blonde couldn't even begin to comprehend. The beauty he saw in Tsuzuki was so strong usually, protective, but gentle, and always laughing and kind, and even the fragile pain he wore now seemed more suited to an angel than anything else.  
  
_Believe me Adia, we are still innocent_  
  
Perhaps demon in blood, but that hardly seemed to matter, at least, in such a case.  
  
_It's easy, we all falter, does it matter?_  
  
Baka...  
  
_'Cause we are born innocent_  
  
How silly to believe anything else, anyway otherwise. Hisoka's grip around Tsuzuki's shoulder tightened, a faint sob softly escaping his parted lips.  
  
_believe me Adia, we are still innocent_  
  
"I don't want to lose...what's important to me..."   
Tsubaki-hime he had never told he liked, his parents...  
  
_it's easy, we all falter, does it matter?_  
  
"I decided a long time ago.....that my place to return to is here...." Hisoka examined the words, some part of his mind moving quick enough to make sarcastic comments on each, though it paused on this one. It was the truth, though. Tsuzuki's presence was like a light against Hisoka's own -- darker, crueler than Tsuzuki's infinite naivete... his innocence.  
Tsuzuki had let every death wound him further, hiding his scars under a protective shell from the world, but Hisoka had neither been bothered by them, nor noticed Tsuzuki's pain.   
  
_Believe me Adia, we are still innocent_  
  
"By your side only--------" There wasn't any point to living without him. Tsuzuki was like a foil to Hisoka, his chipper, constant optimism seemed vastly in contrast to the sarcastic, almost bitter attitude of the teen.  
  
_'Cause we are born innocent_  
  
"So now, I won't be separated from you.  
I won't let go of your hand a second time "  
How could he? He was just as guilty as Tsuzuki, just as much a monster, if not more.  
The sound of something snapping overhead barely caught Hisoka's notice, though he ignored it, burying his head fully into Tsuzuki's shoulder, wetness coming unbidden from his eyes to leak all over the cotton of the yutaka Tsuzuki was enveloped in.  
  
_Believe me Adia, we are still innocent_  
  
"The world you are going to,  
I will go as well with you,   
Tsuzuki........ "  
  
_It's easy, we all falter, does it matter?_  
  
  
  
  



End file.
